I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
