my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
