You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
