I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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