I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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