I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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