i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
