I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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