2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
