i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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