I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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