You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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