i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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