I met the friendliest cop last night
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Blood and glitter go together right?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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