**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Too much gin, very little bucket
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
