I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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