I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize