So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
