Whatcha textin bout Willis?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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