I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
