I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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