i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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