Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
