he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize