i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
