It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize