I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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