Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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