Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
