That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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