I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
