He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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