Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
