That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
