I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
