Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
