She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
