We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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