Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
