I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize