just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm both gender and math confused
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
