I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it hurts more in the daytime
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
