A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
