I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
