EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
