I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
