running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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