I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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