Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
