You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
