i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
