there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
