I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
