I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
