I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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