life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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