Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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