yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
