seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had to cum in my sink.
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