i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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