i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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