I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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