All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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