If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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